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It's not Delivery, it's...Disgusting. (A review of DiGiorno Pizza)

I don't do delivery pizza too often.  Chinese food and beer is a different story, but pizza is something I typically try to intercept shortly after it leaves the oven.  Having your pizza sit in a cardboard box for an extended period of time while the delivery man/woman/person picks it up, puts it in his car/bike and drives it to your apartment can ruin your pie.  Who knows where your pie stands on the delivery route's pecking order?  A pizza can sit in that cardboard box for at least a half hour (if you are lucky) before it arrives at your door. And while it is in that box, its consistency will typically devolve into a soggy mess; like if I was to compromise my freshly shampooed mane by standing outside during a light, but steady drizzle.  If you don't feel like moving from home, make your own pizza.

As such, the marketing slogan - "it's not delivery, it's DiGiorno" is not necessarily setting the barometer extraordinarily high in my view for DiGiorno pizza, the (apparently) popular frozen pie that I always saw commercials for, but, while curious, was never courageous enough to try. I realize it's got a nice ring to it, but proclaiming your pizza as one that could be mistaken for delivery is sort of like me "bragging" about the fact that I'm hosting a cook out with burgers that taste like McDonalds.

Nonetheless, on a gloomy Sunday in March, my curiosity finally got the best of me and I headed to my local supermarket to pick up a DiGiorno's, all for myself. Disassembly and directions are pretty straightforward, yet they lack pinpoint precision. Twenty three to Twenty Seven minutes to cook the pie? That's a generous cushion.  I decide to simply "eyeball" my DiGiorno's time in the oven while using a pizza stone; not advised per instructions, but what they hell do they know? I make my own pizza music videos.  Do they?

After about 10 minutes, a pleasing, sweet tomato aroma starts to fill my apartment.  "This could actually be pretty good," I think to myself, while I watch March Madness, and wonder whether I'll see any "Dicky-V" DiGiorno commercials like this one:

Fortunately, I did not.  And shame on you, Dicky V (an Italian), for selling out to endorse this crap, because that is what it is (more on this in a minute).  At around the 23 minute mark, I'm finding it difficult to judge whether my pie is done.  It is not bubbling, or noticeably changing shape (like in the commercial); rather, it just gradually browns.  I give it a few more minutes.  More brown.  After 30 minutes, I pull this (heavy) browning beast out of my oven, and onto a plate.

My first taste of the DiGiorno is met with a sense of...bewilderment, perhaps?  I'm finding the taste hard to analogize with anything I've eaten before.  First off, let's end any suspense - this pizza is not good.  It's not even domino's level bad, it's below that.  It's not so offensive where I'm spitting it out - in fact, the crust has a Pillsbury, biscuit-like texture to it - but each bite delivers a funky, numb, and mysterious taste which can best be explained as if I was eating airplane food; it's a lot like the plastic it came in.  The slices, once cut, are pretty stiff, the cheese is grossly thick, and the sauce merely blankets my taste buds with blandness.  All in all, a waste of time, money, and probably thousands of calories.

So, for those who ever wondered how a DiGiorno pie was... wonder no more.  We got you covered.  Next stop... the Olive Garden...

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Reader Comments (3)

The "pizza" looks like a paving stone!

April 2, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterTHE BOX

The people at the pizza place did something that goes way back to another time when people cared about each other and did their best to help out strangers.
Really special..That was nice of this pizza chain to do for the man who is serving our country.
Thumbs up to this pizza chain, and for any support it gave our troops, and their families.
Pizza is very nice post.
Pizza- ALL THE WAY!!!
Delicious pizza from Pizza
I love this recipe because you can have ...
This Pizza Is Very Creaming...It makes me hungry..Hm..I try to do this

April 30, 2013 | Unregistered Commenterpizza delivery

I think you may have overcooked it a little. I agree that their pizza ain't that great though.

May 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterDeRosset

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